What's It Mean?

Well, let's just say that it is 2AM and I'm sitting in the floor of my living room too excited to sleep.

Darn you obsessive thoughts.

At around 12:30, we finally went to bed. Greg was watching the news and it had funny stuff about the political ads, and of course, WV was making national headlines.

Anyway, as soon as we laid down, I had a sentence running through my head, "Mama, what's it mean to be good?" Then it had a beat to it, and it was followed by, "Mama, what's it mean to be kind?" And then I was going up into the high chord, and then back to G, and then dropping down into D...and oh well...I had to get up out of bed and see what this was going on in my head.

Greg blamed it on the fact he made me a glass of chocolate milk at 9pm, I blame the 30 minute nap I took this afternoon while the kids were watching Animal Planet. Being a weirdo dreamer anyway, dreams are C to the R to the A to the Z to the Y when you're napping in the living room while a narrator is telling of how Iraqi soldiers rescued a baby camel...yeah, pretty darn weird...

Either way, I was up and in the floor here with the Ibanez, my daddy's beautiful blond, jumbo body guitar, jotting down lyrics and strumming when my cell phone rings. It says Gregaroni. I'm skeered. Sure enough shutting his door hadn't proven enough refuge from my monstrous vocals. And I was being REALLY quiet, I promise!

Now, to help you picture it, let me offer you up a photo of me I just snapped...

What's that? You don't think that is for real? Ok, so I'm busted, it usually takes me til 8 or so before I look like that on the average day...anywho - here's a for real shot of me and ol' blondie this AM...

Why am I cheesing so hard? Well, because it's warm back inside.

You guessed it. When the phone rang, it was my supportive husband asking me to take my show outside to the garage. So, since the theme of this whole friggin' song was Titus 2, I thought I'd better obey...so yeah, out I went.

Anyway - it was well worth it. This may be one of my favorite songs...EVER...finally, a song inspired by my mama, hope it was worth the wait mom!

Here are the lyrics - hope to get to perform it for all of you live sometime soon, the lawn mower, the water hose, the tool box, and the yard sale boxes all thought it rocked.

What's It Mean? It's a rocky, kinda, up-beat little diddy...

If I could go back

back to the years of my youth

Mama there's so many questions

I should have been askin you

It isn't like you wouldn't have

sat me down and gave me the truth

I guess our hearts have to be ready

for the seed to not find rock

And at that time mine was so jagged

It's amazing the battle you fought

Oh, I should have been askin'

Mama, what's it mean to be good?

Mama, what's it mean to be kind?

Mama, what's it mean to be pure?

And to not seek my refuge in a bottle of wine?

Mama, what's it mean to watch my words?

Mama, what's it mean to have self-control?

Mama, what's it mean to obey my man?

And what does it mean to be a keeper of the home?

I know that God had a plan

Even though I hadn't sought Him

He finally found rich soil

Where the rocks and weeds had been

And mama I know your prayers

Are what helped to clear them

And over the last few years

We've got to see Him at work

How he's given me so much joy

In place of so much hurt

I started askin'...

Mama....(refrain)

When I look in her eyes

a little me is what I see

And I see this world's tainted views

Tryin' to show her what a woman should be

And I pray that every day

God's teaching her through me

I wanna stand with her

As she wears her dress of white

Able to give God the praise

for the answers that night

When she was askin'...

Mama... (Refrain)

Okay, schew...I feel so much better. I think I'll be able to find some sleep!

Don't forget to check out my website at here and let me know what you think :)

Really, who am I?

Trying to put this album together is proving to be somewhat draining...I don't know if it is the process that is really draining me, but the thoughts about all of it, well, they definitely are.

I don't know the last time I felt so vulnerable.

I'm realizing how many times I've accepted an opportunity, because I'm confident in what I can do, only to walk away unsure of how it was received.

Some of you may think that doesn't sound much like the Jamie you know...but, you forming an opinion on my beliefs, well, that isn't uncomfortable for me, at all. But you forming an opinion on my beauty, or lack thereof, my abilities, or my talents, well, that's a whole 'nother ballgame.

I wouldn't consider myself an insecure person, in fact, I'm almost always too confident...that's where I get tripped up, you see. I feel as though I have a read on where I stand, how good I am, and what I can accomplish, so putting myself out there for someone else to possibly not agree, hmmm, it is slightly uncomfortable.

Humility isn't something I've always understood. But I feel as I matured, I began to realize how little my talent has to do with me...now how I choose to use it, well, I think that is where the humility comes into play. Even now, I want to be able to accept compliments without making a fuss...but it just feels weird...

As Amy would say...

If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

So who am I? A chosen daughter of the Almighty God, a help meet to a man who can't get enough of me, a mother to children who like to play with me, a vocalist who can carry a tune, a musician who can strum along...those things I am sure of...

But it's the others that leave me drained.

A daughter whose made her earthly father and mother proud? unsure...

A sister whose service to her family is notable? unsure...

A friend whose good intentions can be seen through a harsh tone, an offending post, or a disapproving glance? unsure...

A writer whose words can stir emotion, create conversation, and even trigger thoughts of change? totally unsure...

I'm having to think a lot about who I am so that I am careful to not portray myself, my songs, or my image in a way that is contrary to the consistent Jamie. This is proving tough. I just know that there are some things I'd rather be known for...and singing & playing music isn't at the top of the list.

Wednesday

Prayerful today...

Sin has been revealed that I have struggled with and questioned for a long time.

No place for guilt, no place for regret, I realize that grace has me covered.

It is an empty feeling when you are ashamed of things you've said, things you've done, ways you've behaved.

As empty as it feels, it is a good empty. A lighter empty. A load has been lifted. A chip removed from the shoulder.

I won't focus on Her...the flesh woman that stirs inside of me...I won't focus on Her desires...which are for the ways of man and not the ways of the Lord.

Thankful for revelation this morning...and for forgiveness...and for pumpkin bread, which turned out really yummy.

Now, how long before I am tested? Probably moments...God give me strength.

Georgia on my mind

not really

But I do have other things on my mind this morning.

Why did I spend all that time cleaning yesterday instead of finishing my preparations for our first day of school?

Why didn't I get up til 7:15 when my alarm went off at 5:30?

What will this school year be like? hard? easy? stressful? fun? enjoyable? monumental? etched in my children's memory as the year mom completely lost her marbles? (halfway joking about the last)

What will this pumpkin bread taste like?

What songs should I sing on this CD? (going in studio this Saturday)

What do I name this CD?

What was I thinking booking a photographer to take pictures of me for this CD?

What was I thinking booking a studio to even do this CD?

What do I wear for this photo shoot?

What if I pay all this money to make this CD and no one buys it?

What if people buy it and are disappointed with it?

Why is this so weird and uncomfortable for me to even type?

Wonder if the rain will clear long enough for a walk this afternoon? if not, do I go to the gym?

Should I take back the black sweater I bought since I found a black jacket I like better?

Where did the 40 brand new school pencils go that were just in the pencil holder a month ago?

How can my children, who are getting so old, be so huggable, lovable, and squeezable first thing in the morning?

Yeap, may not be Georgia, but plenty on my mind today.