Sunday, September 12, 2010

Things, besides my tan, I wish would fade...

This will be a slightly random post. As I desperately tried to sleep tonight, but failed to be able to pull it off mostly because of a 3 hr nap that I took earlier in the day, I decided to just give up, make myself useful for a few hours, and then try to close my eyes for a few hours before sun-up!

ah...with that being said, my tan is fading. Which I know seems trivial to some, but to me, it is more than just a sign that I'm going to age faster than you sun-block fans. I like my tan self better than my white self. Superficial? Call it what you will, I just know that I struggle with thoughts about my appearance way more in the spring, fall, and winter. There. I've confessed it. Moving on.

So, whats at the top of the list for things I'd like to fade?

The memories my children will have of me losing my patience, being too harsh, or selfishly practicing sarcasm at the expense of their feelings.

What I don't want to fade? Emma's quirkiness. I hope she keeps it forever.

Next on the list for things to fade?

My superficial thoughts of my appearance. Really, they just trip us up as women and feed our flesh vs allowing the Spirit to be our bread. I am asking God to fade these thoughts so that when I look at a picture of our family celebrating our son's baptism, I can focus on the love being displayed vs the size of my cheeks.

What I don't want to fade? My children's love for one another. about the old man? Yes, out with the old, in with the new. Three big cheers for God's ability to not just settle with fading! Ethan was baptized this summer. I am thanking God for His evident work in my son's life. I pray the feeling of guilt, for failing this guy from the beginning, will fade sooner than later.

What should never fade, is Ethan's commitment to follow Christ. Oh God, please keep my son close, let his desire for you grow stronger than his desire for the world.

Let's wrap things up, shall we? Fading takes time, right? Can't happen overnight? What do you think of when you say the word fading?
To have had a marriage that was miserable just over 2 years ago, to having such a blessed union today, I would say that a lot has faded for Greg and I. I have faded. The hard Jamie who was quick to cut down, quick to judge, and quick to choose bitterness over forgiveness has faded. The passion Greg had for things other than myself and his children has faded. Yet, they are both still there. Rearing their ugly heads every now and again, and by God's grace, being etched away with time.
What I pray doesn't fade? My desire to be his woman. I'm totally smitten with this man, and I pray that grows stronger and stronger.

Some of you may have things you wish would fade, too. Maybe you said something last week and have replayed it over and over wishing you hadn't.
Or maybe you are just so confident in who you are that you feel it is failure to admit there are things you want to fade.
Let me just say this, God has chosen me to become like His son, and in order to do that, there will be lots of fading. But only God can do that miracle, and I'm not helping if I can't admit there are bold colors in need of a good wash.
Here's to feeling good with pale skin this fall, and to spend more time seeking Him than anything else of this earth that will soon enough fade away.

1 comment:

  1. I like my tan self better, too, Jamie. And I really haven't had a nice tan since I was about 19. Imagine the self loathing going on in my brain....okay, I exaggerate. Thanks for the challenge. I have many things that I wish would fade, pride being one of them. And discontent in my heart.