For those unaware...
When I was 19 years old, on St. Patrick's Day of 2000, I found out that I would be bringing my firstborn into the world that year.
I was young, unstable, rebellious, selfish, corrupt, ignorant, naive, and more importantly, still "going to church". I do not brag about my past as though the Lord came down and miraculously picked me up out of this sin pit of crazy drinking and drugs and now I am as clean as the fresh snow. I have never really been ok with people thinking that only wild and crazy girls fall into this sin trap and become young, unwed mothers. I tell the story of not a lifestyle of sin, but a lifestyle of straddling the fence.
You see, although I was the negatives I first mentioned, I wasn't the latter. I wasn't living a "lifestyle" of the partying and immaturity that one would assume breeds illegitimate children. I was living at home with mom and dad, working, and although I had been guilty of the occasional partying, at this time in my life I was honestly trying to live much better. That was the problem. I was trying. Not submitting.
I spent the rest of that spring, summer, and early fall feeling the joy of carrying a miracle, and the pain and heartache of being a disappointment, and a hypocrite, to all those I faced at church every week.
Ethan was born in November of 2000, and shortly after he was born my rebellion and selfishness drove me again. I lived the first year of his life just trying to prove to people I could do it all on my own. I loved him, of course I loved him, but I wasn't being the mother he deserved. Man, that was one of the hardest things I've ever typed. Whoa, tears, lump in throat, ouch.....ok.....moving on.
Just after his first birthday, I began seeing Greg. Greg was wonderful to both myself, and to Ethan. I started feeling a security blanket of having a man to complete my dysfunctional family. We dated for a few months, and just as I let my guard down to think that the Lord had given me another chance at normalcy, Greg decided he couldn't handle becoming a father and a husband so soon. As painful as those few months without him were, it is funny to me that exactly a year from the day we split up, we had been married 6 weeks, and I was nursing our 2 week old Emma Rae.
Although we were attending church, even helping out with Bible School the summer Emma was conceived, we allowed ourselves to spend too much alone time together. That is why when people laugh at the thought of courtship, or at encouraging boys and girls to wait til they are 18 or older to date altogether, I want to scream, "Why wasn't I told that?"
Why is all of this relevant to Proverbs 5? When reading it to Ethan and Emma yesterday morning, stopping and paraphrasing for them after every few verses, he asked, "So, you are only supposed to have children with one person?"
"Yes."
"But I had Bill for a dad, before daddy, and Emma had daddy from the beginning?"
"Yes."
"Was I at your wedding?"
"Yes."
The real question my 8 yr old was probably wondering, but graceful enough to not ask, is "Well, why do you have 2 children by 2 different people if you aren't supposed to?"
My answer would be, "Because I didn't head my mother and father's instruction. I didn't hide God's word in my heart that I might not sin against Him. I read the Bible occasionally, but I didn't submit my life to Him as we are to do. And because of that, I suffered a great deal of pain from the consequences of my sin, and now you, my son, will suffer pain because of your mother's sin." No matter how great of a relationship Ethan has with Greg, and believe me, it is wonderful, Ethan will always have to deal with the fact that his biological father chose to not be a part of his life.
5:11-14 (again from Ryrie) Loose living consumes one's strength(perhaps through disease, v. 11), activates one's conscience (vv.12-13), and brings public disgrace(v.14).
Read Proverbs to your children. Pray for them. Train them. Teach them about submission to the Holy Spirit. Hold them accountable.
When I was 19 years old, on St. Patrick's Day of 2000, I found out that I would be bringing my firstborn into the world that year.
I was young, unstable, rebellious, selfish, corrupt, ignorant, naive, and more importantly, still "going to church". I do not brag about my past as though the Lord came down and miraculously picked me up out of this sin pit of crazy drinking and drugs and now I am as clean as the fresh snow. I have never really been ok with people thinking that only wild and crazy girls fall into this sin trap and become young, unwed mothers. I tell the story of not a lifestyle of sin, but a lifestyle of straddling the fence.
You see, although I was the negatives I first mentioned, I wasn't the latter. I wasn't living a "lifestyle" of the partying and immaturity that one would assume breeds illegitimate children. I was living at home with mom and dad, working, and although I had been guilty of the occasional partying, at this time in my life I was honestly trying to live much better. That was the problem. I was trying. Not submitting.
I spent the rest of that spring, summer, and early fall feeling the joy of carrying a miracle, and the pain and heartache of being a disappointment, and a hypocrite, to all those I faced at church every week.
Ethan was born in November of 2000, and shortly after he was born my rebellion and selfishness drove me again. I lived the first year of his life just trying to prove to people I could do it all on my own. I loved him, of course I loved him, but I wasn't being the mother he deserved. Man, that was one of the hardest things I've ever typed. Whoa, tears, lump in throat, ouch.....ok.....moving on.
Just after his first birthday, I began seeing Greg. Greg was wonderful to both myself, and to Ethan. I started feeling a security blanket of having a man to complete my dysfunctional family. We dated for a few months, and just as I let my guard down to think that the Lord had given me another chance at normalcy, Greg decided he couldn't handle becoming a father and a husband so soon. As painful as those few months without him were, it is funny to me that exactly a year from the day we split up, we had been married 6 weeks, and I was nursing our 2 week old Emma Rae.
Although we were attending church, even helping out with Bible School the summer Emma was conceived, we allowed ourselves to spend too much alone time together. That is why when people laugh at the thought of courtship, or at encouraging boys and girls to wait til they are 18 or older to date altogether, I want to scream, "Why wasn't I told that?"
Why is all of this relevant to Proverbs 5? When reading it to Ethan and Emma yesterday morning, stopping and paraphrasing for them after every few verses, he asked, "So, you are only supposed to have children with one person?"
"Yes."
"But I had Bill for a dad, before daddy, and Emma had daddy from the beginning?"
"Yes."
"Was I at your wedding?"
"Yes."
The real question my 8 yr old was probably wondering, but graceful enough to not ask, is "Well, why do you have 2 children by 2 different people if you aren't supposed to?"
My answer would be, "Because I didn't head my mother and father's instruction. I didn't hide God's word in my heart that I might not sin against Him. I read the Bible occasionally, but I didn't submit my life to Him as we are to do. And because of that, I suffered a great deal of pain from the consequences of my sin, and now you, my son, will suffer pain because of your mother's sin." No matter how great of a relationship Ethan has with Greg, and believe me, it is wonderful, Ethan will always have to deal with the fact that his biological father chose to not be a part of his life.
5:11-14 (again from Ryrie) Loose living consumes one's strength(perhaps through disease, v. 11), activates one's conscience (vv.12-13), and brings public disgrace(v.14).
Read Proverbs to your children. Pray for them. Train them. Teach them about submission to the Holy Spirit. Hold them accountable.
And if you do these things, and they are as rebellious as I was, and they end up in sin....Read Proverbs to them, pray for them, train them, and teach them about submission to the Holy Spirit. God is faithful. My sin caused problems in my family that I cannot even begin to explain, especially with my father. Not one, but two children conceived in sin, that is a lot for a Christian father to forgive. But we now all have a wonderful fellowship together, especially my husband and my father. God is faithful.
what an honest and gracious post. i'm sure it wasn't and sometimes still isn't easy to confront the decisions that you made when you were younger, but your gentle honesty with your children is touching.
ReplyDeleteand really, God did reach down and rescue each one of us out of a "sin pit." we are all enemies of God and totally rebellious on our own, but being recipients of his grace changes the outcome for us!
True, very true, labeled and numbered sins to us, same rebellion to our Father. No matter how much I am ashamed of my past, I am so grateful for God's blessings that were still bestowed upon me. My prayer is that young Christians who think they are safe from certain temptations because of their faith, will be encouraged to draw closer to Christ and will understand the importance of seeking God before making everyday decisions.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your honesty and humility, Jamie. I second everything Gina said about our need for grace. God is sovereign. Your post reminded me that no matter how hard I try as a parent, ultimately my kids will have to make their own decisions. This reminds me that I MUST pray for God to shower them with grace and give them tender hearts. Thanks again for sharing and encouraging.
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